Culture + Style

One Comedian’s Hilarious Travel Tips

Nick Turner is ready to cry at a moment’s notice—especially if there’s a discount involved.

The comedian’s a frequent flyer, crisscrossing the country to perform stand up when he’s not filming TruTV’s “Almost Genius,” in New York City, or headlining shows like “Laughs,” in Seattle’s Kirkland.

Given how much time he’s spent on the road, Marriott Traveler caught up with the former regular on VH1’s reboot of “Best Week Ever” to collect some of Turner’s best travel tips.

(Illustration: Caroline Godden)
(Illustration: Caroline Godden)

Pack Light!

When I fly, I never check a bag. That’s because I don’t bring any clothes with me on trips. As soon as I land I go to the mall and buy clothes for the weekend. Then, on my way to the airport, I return all of the clothes I wore for the week. No bags, and free clothes. I think this is legal!

Get a tight tuck!

Some people like their sheets tucked in, and some people like a free range of motion for their legs during the night. Me? I like a tight tuck. But sometimes, just getting into bed can ruin a good tuck. When that happens, I call the front desk and ask them to re­tuck the sheets with me in it! They rarely do it but when they do I get a perfect night sleep.

Do not buy rental car insurance!

Just pay attention while driving. Sure, if you get in an accident, you are gonna wish you had that insurance. That’s why I just never get in accidents. I keep my eyes open when I drive and I obey the traffic signals. Genius!

(Illustration: Caroline Godden)
(Illustration: Caroline Godden)

You don’t have to use the hotel gym!

Just because it’s there, doesn’t mean you actually have to work out. You don’t go to the gym while you’re at home, why should it be any different when you’re out of town?

Do not eat or drink before your trip!

I hate using the tiny bathrooms on airplanes which is why, before I fly, I refrain from eating or drinking anything for at least a week. You might be a bit weak from lack of nourishment but that will only make it easier to sleep in your tiny seat!

(Illustration: Caroline Godden)
(Illustration: Caroline Godden)

Crying is an excellent way to get discounts and upgrades!

Doesn’t matter if you are making a hotel reservation, trying to get a free exit row seat, or trying to upgrade an economy size car rental to a Ferrari. Crying=free money.

Watch a scary movie before you fall asleep!

Alarms will fail you. As a comedian on the road, I often go to bed around 2 or 3 a.m. and have to get up super early to do radio. Wake up calls and alarms have failed to wake me up in the past. No more! Now I just watch a horror movie before I go to sleep and I wake up from a nightmare on time, every time.

Don’t worry if you forgot your swim trunks!

Just buy a marker and draw a swimsuit on. No one will ever know you are naked! They do it in Sports Illustrated so I’m gonna assume this is legal as well.

(Illustration: Caroline Godden)
(Illustration: Caroline Godden)

Take a shower before you travel!

This took me years to figure out. People don’t like it when you stink. This is also just a good everyday tip whether you are traveling or not.